950 Square Feet

Looking out the window before lunch, I sighed. The snow was blowing sideways, taking the trees with it. We REALLY needed to get outside today. Over the past week, LM’s behaviour has been off the charts. I thought perhaps his small body needed and was missing the two outdoor breaks per day that he got while in school. Remote learning is going ok, but how long can we do this for? I know some of you might be thinking listen, lady, you’re going to have to do this, just like the rest of us. We are all struggling…..but here’s the thing, we are not all struggling the same. It really is harder for some of us. Some of us are just barely hanging on.

Although I often shine in the face of adversity, I’m finding that I’m not feeling so shiny right now. In the middle of a global pandemic, I am running a single parent household with almost no income, I’m job hunting, I’ve decided to give University a go, I have one 9 year old boy on the autism spectrum and, my condo is 950 sq.ft.. In case you’re wondering, 950 sq.ft. for an apartment is a generous size by todays standards, but often not enough to contain LM. I get that other parents are struggling too, but most mamas out there have a papa to share the parenting with and most kiddos have a sibling to keep them company. Right now, it’s just LM and I in this space. “Cabin Fever. The both of you” was my friend’s response and he was correct in that….but it’s more than that. I’m fighting my depression as I have been for the past 4 years and the Me that enjoys better mental health would be getting out of the house more but right now I’m under something and I’m having a hard time climbing out.

If you have a child at home who is on the spectrum, you might be feeling the same way. The whole house is a disaster area. Bits and pieces of toys and failed ‘ideas/experiments’ all over the place, empty snack wrappers, remnants of craft projects, forts, clothing and lego…all the lego. As much as my love for my child overflows, I know that my introvert nature is crying out in pain over having endured this past year at home. Adding insult to injury, I have also been working diligently this past year on teaching LM coping strategies for his anger and physical violence. This current situation of “stay home. stay safe” has created an atmosphere of 9 year old kid hostility. It’s become like living with your bully.

I want to be clear though that I do know that much of this stems from his anxiety levels. I feel like it’s important for me to share these feelings I am having right now because parents, you need to know something; you need to know that through this, it’s ok to have moments where you’re not very fond of your little humans. It is ok to feel like you want to run away. It’s ok to be angry at the pandemic. It’s ok to not do 100% your best. It’s ok to eat a chocolate bar while hiding in your bathroom.

And to sum up, here are some questions I have asked myself this week:

Why did I choose this past week to join Noom? (I WANT TO FRUSTRATION EAT)

Why does he always call out for me when I go to the bathroom? (ANNOYING!)

Why does he always wait until I sit down to ask for a snack? (ALSO ANNOYING)

Why do I have to hate exercise?

Turkey & Contempt

CAM and I met in early 2013. We had an instant connection. Both of us, intelligent and witty, we bounced word play and entendres off of each other effortlessly, often with a little warm ribbing. Later on that year in the fall, I met his mother and stepfather. Up to our usual antics, we poked fun at each other through the entire weekend, putting on a show for his parents. At one point in the weekend, I thought to myself, geez, thank goodness this is all coming from a place of love because if either of Us was resentful, I could see Us being some pretty nasty and bitter people. It was early days then and we were full of cuddles and smiles so it didn’t really matter. As our relationship went on, issues going unresolved, resentment growing, the teasing became less and less, I became more sensitive and it all started to feel like it wasn’t coming from the same warm place it was all coming from before that. Several times I had mentioned to CAM that he always treated me unfairly when his family was present. I tried to talk about it, but to no avail and he just couldn’t see what I was talking about. It got to the point that when I knew any of his family was coming, I didn’t look forward to it as much because I didn’t like the change that took place in my husband when they were there. The only reprieve I received from him was the Christmas of 2015. My mother died suddenly, 10 days before Christmas and I was numb and he was cautious and helpful and caring.

On Christmas Day, 2018, CAM got sick with a stomach bug. Awful timing for him and he literally spent all day and most of the evening in bed. I pushed through, preparing dinner and the table, keeping kids busy and entertaining in-laws. While family all sat around the dining room table, laughing and talking and smiling, he was upstairs feeling ill. I checked on him a few times to make sure he was ok. Later, after dinner, he finally made his way downstairs. I don’t exactly remember what started it all, but I know I sure finished it because my words to him were probably the harshest to come out of my mouth in almost a decade. I could tell he was feeling better because the mean and snide comments in his family’s presence had started up, and I remember feeling like he must have been making up for lost time since he was in bed all day. Standing in the kitchen, I remember saying to myself ‘right! That’s all I can have of this!’. I have a very long fuse and a very big explosion; the kind that can often be shoot first and ask questions later. That type of behaviour is never a great idea, but in retrospect, I don’t think I have ever regretted my actions.

Standing between the kitchen and the living room, I lay the gauntlet down and began an argument right there in front of his parents and his sister and brother-in-law. I didn’t care any more. I was tired of being treated like less every time they were present and I said just that right there and then. Then, I said big words that I can never take back, that I knew hurt him and that were actually, painfully and sadly true. ‘I had a really nice time tonight at dinner. It was really peaceful and low stress, because YOU weren’t here’. It was true. Had he been present, my evening would have been thwart with stinging remarks that I would have to try to shake off in front of my family. With my sister having the same mean spirit streak, I knew that how he made me feel was similar to how she made me feel in my youth. No wonder they got along with each other so well.

Shortly after that, I ended my marriage and looking back, I did the right thing. I don’t think that he is mean like that to whoever he is with now, I think we probably were just really good at bringing it out in each other. It was the right choice. In the end, he never was able to communicate to me the truth and reasons he was how he was in our marriage, but now it doesn’t matter. I was unhappy. I went to find my happy. I hope he his happy too.

New Years Eve

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I have always regarded New Years Eve as a depressing sort of occasion instead of a celebration of beginning anew.  It takes place just long enough after Christmas festivities that you’re starting to get back to reality, clean up decorations and you’ve seen most of your acquaintances and exchanged bottles of ‘cheer’.  Then, on December 31st, there’s supposed to be a grand celebration with fireworks and champagne flowing, and hugs and kisses and Hogmanay.

For myself, it has usually been a small party where I spend most of my time cooking OR myself alone on the couch after putting LM to bed, wondering if anyone would care if I didn’t wait until midnight. As the clock strikes midnight and the ball drops, the Dick Clark New Years show takes off with fireworks and the crowd singing Auld Land Syne, which is total crap because no one actually knows the words anyways. it’s just a bunch of people who may or may not be wearing adult diapers, swaying back and forth, frozen and drunk in Times Square.  It’s usually at this time that I click the television off and start tidying up before retiring to bed.

This year, however, at about 11:30pm, my phone dings.  A text message.

‘Hi. How are you doing?’

I looked at my phone. Awkward.  I have no idea who this is.

‘Hey, sorry, who’s this?’

I wait….2 minutes go by…

‘It’s Mark.’

Ha! I literally laughed out loud to my living room, and my cat’s dismay.  There he is; The Friend with Benefits.  The Cool-Down Dude….7 months later.  7 months after me replying to his text telling him that we were looking for different things. 7 months after me telling him that how he was capable of treating me was not what I needed. 7 months.  Now, like a cliche, here he was, texting me on New Years Eve.

I honestly felt like just drilling into him.  WTF?  Why was he sending me a lame and random text on new years?  Was he hoping for an invitation to my bed to ring in the New Year? Not bloody likely.  I resisted my initial reaction and hit backspace about a zillion times on the text field. I will not tear this man down. I will show kindness.

‘Hi Mark. I’m kind of surprised to hear from you. Last we spoke, you didn’t respond to my message and that was 7 months ago.  I hope you’re doing well. I am doing well myself and am currently dating someone great. I hope that 2020 brings you good things. All the best.’

Ok, so if I was going to be completely kind and gentle I could have left the last part out, but anyone who knows me will tell you I am pretty incapable of doing that.

‘Yea. I was going through some shit. Sorry about that. Glad to hear you’re dating someone. Thanks.’

And then he was gone. The exchange was short and I went back to surfing the internet and waiting for the ball to drop.  Pretty soon a new year was going to begin but before it did, I feel like the text exchange between myself and Mark was the next point of personally levelling up. Old me might have confused his text for actual feelings rather than looking for attention.  I was proud of myself. I didn’t fall for that one.

The Boyfriend Experience

Whatcha doin?  This is the quintessential text message that is present in every single ‘Friends With Benefits’ relationship.  It’s casual, and usually comes after 9pm to my phone.  I had one of those, early on in 2019.  He was chauvinistic and macho, the type of person you look back on and say hmmm. that was interesting.  Whatcha doin feels very different than Happy Tuesday! Hope your day is going great so far 🙂 . Ryan knew how to give The Boyfriend Experience.

I met Ryan in July of 2019.  He was quite different than Mark in a lot of ways. He wasn’t chauvinistic, he was polite and gentle and kind and I was never left feeling like he was working on a self-serving mission.

The Boyfriend Experience. It’s kind of like the sophisticated big-brother of Friends with Benefits.  Instead of the low-class meet-ups after dark, it was dinners and cute phone messages and hugs. It was lots of talking and sharing memories. It was picnics and hikes. It was all during prime time.  Ultimately, though, it was a long term arrangement, not a long term commitment.

Ryan, just like Mark, didn’t have any real intentions of inserting me into his actual life. I was never going to be introduced to friends or family.  It’s almost like having a hobby.  I was his “me time”.  Ryan was certainly next level sophisticated when it came to The Boyfriend Experience though because he would always cook us great meals, he could set a table like a champ and he even used cloth napkins….although he was just a cloth napkin kind of guy.

I spent over three months dating Ryan and one cool day in October, I ended up breaking it off with him.  We had scheduled a date for that evening and I realized that I just didn’t have it in me.  I didn’t actually care enough to arrange for a sitter and drive out to Bolton. We had a couple of conversations in the past about relationships and what we are looking for and we knew we weren’t quite looking for the same thing and I decided at this point that anything that benefited either of us had been exhausted in those three months.  It wasn’t going to grow or go anywhere, so why invest further time?

‘How do you know it’s not going to go anywhere if you don’t stick around????’ my friend looked at me like I was crazy.  I seemed so content.  Guess what? Content isn’t the same as happy.

It’s Been Almost a Year

i miss you

photo from pexels.com

Last time I sat down to put my thoughts out there was back in September 2019.  To say much has happened since then is a gross understatement, and that is even after taking into account the world shenanigans of 2020.

Coming here to write has been on my mind for months. It builds in me over time.  It gets harder and harder to keep it in.  ‘You NEED to write something.’ a friend said.  She had been observing my Facebook posts lately and had noticed that I had become poetic and long winded in my posts. A tell tale sign that I’m jonesing for creative expression.

I won’t attempt to catch you up to the past year all in one post.  It’s too much to take in and to be honest, if I went with an abridged version, I don’t think I would be happy with what had to be cut out.

A Global Pandemic sure does leave time for a girl and her thoughts, so I’ll try my best to not inundate everyone and with the help of post scheduling, I hope to get several blogs out to you soon 🙂

I Was Not A Dancer

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When I was ‘I don’t know’ years old, I remember my big sister standing in the living room on top of the kitchen step stool, wearing a flashy leotard from her dance class. I don’t remember if she was still in the class or it was a retired outfit and she was just playing. Either way, I remember being very young and even then being keenly aware that I was not a dancer.  By the time I was approaching grade 5, I was whatever the female version of ‘husky’ is.  I’m pretty sure that’s also when a male classmate pointed out my impressive moustache.   I was not a dancer.  I didn’t do anything at all.  Completely uncomfortable in my own skin, I actually tried to avoid any physical activity.  God didn’t want me to embarrass myself either so he gave me a knee disorder and my parents gave me a note each year and I’m pretty sure from grade 5-12 I never had to participate in a single Phys. Ed. Class. The only time I wasn’t exempt was during the dance module which consisted of a very basic square dance and the chicken dance.  It was sufficient to make me mortified, though.  I was not a dancer.  The dancers were slender and lean with long silky hair. They had beautiful nails and good skin and matching studio jackets. They were never mean to me, but they would give me a shy smile that confirmed that I was not on the same planet as them.

Fast forward to now; I am a single mother approaching 40. Life can be very cruel to women over the age of 35.  Between 35 and 55 are seen as our prime years and we spend it giving our all to our children, husbands and careers.  We do very little for ourselves and we suffer from depression and anxiety and burnout.  We feel under appreciated and overworked both at home and at work.

A year and a half ago, I decided to try softball for the first time in my life.  Yes, my entire life, remember? No Phys. Ed. class!  I had no idea how to play but thought to myself ‘meh. What’s the worst that could happen?’  Softball is now one of my favourite things to do!  I’m still not a very strong player but I have fun and am social and that’s what matters.  It also helped that I asked a friend to join with me.  Sport was not something she had really been involved in but I must have caught her at a moment of weakness and curiosity and she said yes!  That same friend is today one of my closest confidants and my business partner and to be honest, I could not picture trying a fun new adventure without her!  5 weeks ago, I had an idea.

Looking at my phone, I glanced up at her typing away.  I thought ‘yep, I’m going to ask her’.  ‘Hey, Lady, fancy taking up some adult tap dancing lessons?’  Her face lit up! It was a yes! I was beyond excited because I always wanted to dance, but I never felt like I was a good ‘fit’ for dance. We ordered our shoes and waited with anticipation. I was going to dance!

Tonight was my first class. I am awkward and I’m carrying probably 30 extra pounds. My body is weak from years of inactivity. Things jiggle when I jump. I am neither sleek nor graceful. I feel uncoordinated and self-conscious. My hair is silky, but grey and I have lines on my face when I smile, BUT I still smile and tonight, I AM a dancer.

Ladies, stop for a moment and think of the things you’ve always wanted to do, the things you wanted to try in your youth but never did.  Think of the things you felt ‘unqualified’ to do.  We’re adults now.  We can do whatever we want!  Take the lessons, join the team, try the class.  Do it all. These prime years are meant for so much more than service to our family and professions.

It’s your life, so have one!

And That, My Friend, Is How You’re Only 28.

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My Van broke down.  It started chugging and lights flashing, windshield wipers going and dashboard blinking the last few meters into my driveway. Shit. This was exactly the last thing I needed. The next morning, on the advice of the dealership, I called a tow company they recommended to bring my van in to get fixed.  I was pleasantly surprised that the dispatcher on the other end of the phone was prompt, friendly and polite.  It had been a long time since I had called for a tow, but I partly expected to be speaking with someone who sounded rough around the edges, if you know what I mean.  With two hours to kill until the driver’s expected arrival, I went with my friend to breakfast.  While at breakfast I received a call from the driver looking for directions to my home.  After hanging up the call I looked at my friend and said ‘Oooo, he sounds cute!’  Having been witness to my recent dating life, she chuckled and rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, to have your life for a day!’

10 minutes later, and on my last sips of coffee, my phone rang again.  This time it was the dispatcher telling me that the driver was at my home but needed me to come and give him the key.  My friend and I headed over in my rental vehicle.  We arrived to find him just backing his truck up to the bumper of my van. I pulled to the side of the road and looked at my friend. ‘Ooooo, he IS cute!’.  Oh, fuck off! she says as I’m climbing out of the vehicle.

Now, it hasn’t happened often in my life, but once in a while you meet someone and there is some kind of weird magnetism, an energy that feels like static before a storm and our eyes seemed to be engaging in activity that did not match out mundane conversations about a broken down van.  I spent about a minute and a half in his presence and then got into my van.  2 hours later, I get a text message from him, asking me out.  I was shocked!  Knocked on my ass by this blatantly alpha behaviour, I had no idea what to do. I sat, dumfounded for an hour until my business partner came in.  I showed her his message.  ‘What the hell do I say?  Is he crazy?  If I called the company to complain, he could get in shit…or worse, lose his job!’  She looked at the phone wide-eyed. ‘You’re right.  You need to have a coffee with this guy, after all, he just risked his job for you!’  Her reasoning was playful and sound, so I responded finally after leaving him waiting.  Later on he said he was afraid I was never going to answer and that he just couldn’t help it and felt compelled to message me.  Then, came the next message. ‘by the way, I’m 28, I hope that’s ok’.  <<in my head>>NO, THAT’S NOT OK!!! OMG! My partner was practically rolling in the aisles at this point, finding out that this guy was 10 years my junior.  For the record, there is an immense difference between a 28 year old man and a 38 year old woman.  ‘Oh, it’s just a coffee.  You can have a coffee with anyone.’ she said but I could tell she was trying to hold back laughter.  Alright. I’ll play along, I thought.

The next couple of days involved steady text message contact with the Tow Guy while he continued to tell me how he was so thankful I was giving him a chance, how he could spend forever convincing me that his age didn’t matter, that he loved older woman and that before long, I would not even notice an age difference. He was intense, and cute; a ginger (my weakness), very fit, over 6′ tall, tattoos, just what the doctor ordered.  This might not be so bad, I thought.

The next morning, just after 7am, I woke up to the sound of my son awake and playing in his room.  I rolled over, picked up my phone and saw I had a text message. I had passed out, mid conversation with Tow Guy the night before so I assumed it was just a ‘guess you’ve gone to sleep’ or something similar.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING prepared me for what my half-awake eyes met that morning. I opened my messages to find I had received a photo from him.  Not an adorable selfie like the one he had sent me the afternoon before, oh, no.  A full.length.nude.  Yes, nude.  There he stood, in all his glory, in his bathroom mirror, naked from head to toe and the proudest, most brilliant smile on his face.  I scanned the image, blinked twice, said WTF under my breath, put the phone down and let my brain process what I had just seen. Now, I am not going to lie; that man has A LOT to be proud of…almost shockingly so…and so for a fleeting moment, that photo had me considering him…BUT on a serious note, what the actual fuck?!

I hesitated to respond right away and thought a bit about my response.  Having not yet met him for coffee, I had decided that meeting in any fashion could no longer happen.  I responded: ‘Hey Tow Guy, I have to be honest, I am shocked at this photo that you sent me.  I’m sorry I won’t be able to meet you for coffee.  You said many times that you could show me that age didn’t matter but by sending me this photo, you just showed me that you truly are 28.  Now, you don’t even know me….  What if I took this photo to your work? Got you fired? Put it on the internet with your name? Pro Tip: If you’re going to send a naked photo to a chick that she didn’t ask for, don’t include your face in the shot’.

Surprisingly, I never heard from him again. 🙂

One Serious Dude

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This guy is cute!  I’m going to meet him in a couple of days for dinner!  I excitedly held up the phone to my friend so she could see his profile photo.  Having been married for more than a decade, she was supportive in my dating journey and often wanted to vicariously ride the waves of excitement with me. ‘He looks like every middle-aged dude, ever.’ Was her response as she examined the photo.  I took the phone back and clutched it protectively to my chest.  ‘Oh, shut it! He does not! He’s super nice too.’  She smiled a teasing smile in response to our playful banter.  She was one of my biggest cheerleaders. ‘I’m sure he’s nice but no one sticks around without my approval, just so you know!’

Ryan was easy to talk to and polite and seemed very mature. He was in sales and had three kids from a previous marriage.  The youngest an early teen. The scenario seemed pretty perfect.  A mature dude, kids that are almost adults, no potential for step mom pressure. When we met at the restaurant, we hit it off well, talked about a range of topics and stayed until the sun went down.  He walked me to my car and there was even a good night kiss.

Now, listen to me here and now; you will know the man is a MAN when HE follows up with you, asks for a second date and MAKES AN EFFORT to take you out ON A REGULAR BASIS!! I am writing some of this in caps because I didn’t understand the weight this carried until it happened to me.  How do you know a guy is into you?  Because he will be into you!  Ryan took my hand when we walked, he held doors open, he made a point to see me a couple of times a week, he was actually DATING me!  Shocking.  What’s more, we were legitimately getting to know each other, investing time in each other.  At the risk of jinxing the whole damn thing, I will say that I genuinely really like Ryan.  I look forward to spending time with him and he makes me feel special.  Will it work out?  Who knows?  Will it be a tragedy if it doesn’t?  No.  You see, for as much as I like Ryan, I don’t yet truly know him and if it turns out that we are not suited to each other, I will be able to say goodbye feeling thankful for the positive dating experiences I’ve had with someone who has been investing the most important thing in their life, in me…their time.  For the here and now, I am worth his time, and he is worth mine. Twice a week is a big investment to give someone you barely know, but it’s how I know that he too is serious about his dating journey.  I have no idea how this will end up, but the ride is pleasurable.

The Cool-Down Dude

Not every guy clearly belongs in a certain silo of online dating from the get-go.  Take Mark, for instance;  When I first started chatting online with Mark, I was completely ready to chalk him up to ‘serious dude’ material.  We just seemed to ‘click’ and talk was effortless and without heavy sexual undertones (refreshing!!). We made each other laugh and he was quick to phone me to hear my voice, stating that it was much better than texting.  In our conversations, he was present.  At one point he said ‘You’re making my ears fight my smile for space on my face.’  Something that seemed so genuine and sweet.  To this day, I take that as a compliment wholeheartedly.  We met for a coffee soon after our online introduction.  With only a short meeting before the Starbucks closed, he suggested a drive around town.  He talked a lot and shared about himself freely telling me stories of his childhood, his past jobs and his future dreams.  We had a great time and the evening ended with some fairly passionate kissing.

On the second date we ended up becoming intimate. The next day, I could hear my friend’s voice in my ear saying ‘Unless you have created a bond with that person, it’s very hard to elevate from just sex with someone….Well, this is true and it really doesn’t matter what the person tells you their intentions are, or what they are looking for, they will always show you their truth with their actions.  One of the major things I learned from my relationship with CAM was that when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!  CAM showed me very early on the kind of person he was and yet, I still, for some reason thought there was someone inside him that could feel deeper than he did.  He showed me very little emotional investment and for some reason, I thought he would magically show up one day with the emotional depth of an ocean.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

That coffee date was the first and last time I ever went anywhere with Mark.  I originally blamed our contrasting schedules on not having the opportunity to go out, but ultimately, that situation suited him just fine and for three months he frequented my home 1-2 times a week and always after LM was asleep.  I’m not angry about it and to be honest, the situation suited me fine for that time as well. I still went on dates and met new people anyways so I really just tried to match his investment.

Every once in a while though, he would say something or do something, or look at me with a softness that told me there was depth there and that would send me into a headspace of questioning for a solid day and a half before getting back to normal.  I’d look at my friend and say “what does it mean? He’s supposed to be a FWB, why would he do/say/infer like that??????”  It was all more drama than I could handle.

Last week, after I had delayed responding to a text and he had returned that treatment, I cut him loose. I told him that I didn’t think we should see each other any longer, that what I needed was different than what he was willing to give and what he was giving was less than I deserved.  I never received a response.  The lack of response made me realize that I had made the right decision because after all, that was him showing me who he was…and I believe him.

Quantum Dating

It’s Quantum Dating, she said.  Men do this so naturally!  When I really thought about it, it was completely true.  Single men are not exclusive off the hop.  In fact, they don’t become exclusive until they find the one they think could be ‘the one’.  Women, on the other hand, for the most part seem to go immediately to exclusivity.  Are we more loyal?  More honest?  Terrible at multitasking? Nope, but we certainly have a hard time taking our head out of the game.  One of the luxuries men enjoy that women often cannot is the free spirited approach to dating and meeting new people.  There is nothing wrong with going out on dates with different people.  Could you imagine if we focused on one individual at a time, sifting through people, trying to find ‘the one’, it would take longer than we are on this planet.  I would also like to go on record to say that I think that there isn’t just one person out there for us.  Our lives are ever changing, with ages and stages and someone who suited you at 30, may not suit you at 45.

I have many friends that have been married for a long time and to be honest, very few of them are actually completely happy at the core of things.  Many are silently mourning the loss of who their spouse was ‘back in the day’.  Life has a way of changing people and keeping the love and the passion and the interest with that same person takes work.  It’s work that many don’t know the meaning of, and few are prepared to do.

I recently watched a video from a woman talking about an argument she had with her husband. A raging, throw-down that she felt, in the moment was the end.  In that video he proclaimed that he hated her.  She pointed out quite wisely that the opposite of love is not hate, but in fact, indifference.  I hated CAM.  He was indifferent. When I realized that, it all made sense as to why it couldn’t have worked out and I was able to put that doubt to bed after that realization.

Back to quantum dating.  I asked my girlfriend to explain.  How many? How does it work?  Having received these answers from an online workshop, she was primed to give me the breakdown of the ‘rules’ for quantum dating.  It was pretty straight forward.  For me, it was easy to envision silos that they are placed into based on the role that person is playing in my dating journey.  Silo 1: the serious dudes:  These are the ones that I see have the greatest potential for longevity.  They get the most of my time and attention in an effort to get to know them and attempt to cultivate an early relationship.  Silo 2: My cool-down dude:  There is only one guy in this silo.  He takes my sexual energy off of the serious dudes so I can concentrate….yes, this is exactly what it sounds like.  Silo 3: the dude rotation:  this is where all of the hilarious online dating stories are born.  The strange messages, the dick pics, the awful pick-up lines.  This last silo is a huge rollercoaster and is always moving.  It can welcome serious dudes in at any time and is ever changing.  It keeps me on my toes.

But, enough about the ‘science’ of it all.  I can’t wait to introduce you to some of these dudes…